Noir: A Pointless Parody
by Jaala
Summary: A humourous alternate ending to the Noir series. Not to be taken seriously, it's a fun romp through the Noir universe of criminals and forks.


**AN: I love Noir to death. It's one of my favorite animes. But...I couldn't resist. WARNING: MAJOR spoilers. Major, MAJOR spoilers! In fact, if you haven't seen ALL of Noir, do NOT read unless you really want the series to be spoiled. Also, it won't make as much sense if you haven't seen the whole thing.**

Okay, that's out of the way. PG-13 for some innuendo. Enjoy. It took forever to write. I had fun with it. :)

{We open on the familiar flashback scene. The stopwatch music plays, and we see a close up shot of the watch. Suddenly, the music stops. Footsteps are heard, then we see Young Kirika picking up the watch and winding it up. She drops it back on the floor as the music starts to play again.}

** Noir: A Pointless Parody**

{Scene: Mireille's sitting at her pool table/desk with her laptop, sipping some tea. Kirika comes up to her.}

Kirika: Mireille?

Mireille: Yes?

Kirika: I'm bored.

Mireille: (Stops typing on her laptop) Can't you draw or something?

Kirika: Why don't we talk?

Mireille: Talk?

Kirika: We never talk about anything but the missions or Noir. Did you know my favorite color is blue?

Mireille: No...

Kirika: What's your favorite color?

Mireille: (Looks down and chuckles) How foolish. I don't have the time for this.

(Mireille looks back up to see that Kirika's giving her the puppy dog look. Mireille tries to act tough, but she cracks.)

Mireille: Red! My favorite color is red!

Kirika: (Starts tearing up) I feel like we've shared something special, Mireille.

Mireille: Special?

(Kirika wipes her eyes, then glomps Mireille, sending the chair toppling backwards. We still only see the top of the pool table...er...desk.)

Mireille: (Voice only) Uh, let's switch to another scene.

{Scene: The Manor. Chloe's outside, staring at that fork and Altena's tending to the grapes. What? Chloe's alive?? Hmmm...it must be before episode 25, then.}

Chloe: (Staring at the fork) Such a pretty fork... (She flips it over and looks at the back) Still pretty... (She flips it back over) I can think of so many things I can do with this fork... (Sighs) If only Kirika were here.

(Altena walks up)

Altena: Chloe, please don't talk like that again.

Chloe: It's unladylike?

Altena: It gives me bad mental images.

Chloe: Oh. (Still staring at the fork)

Altena: I have a mission for you, I'm afraid. 

Chloe: (Stares at the fork)

Altena: It's very important.

Chloe: (Stares at the fork)

Altena: Would you look at me!!??

Chloe: (Looks up suddenly) What?

Altena: (Sighs) I have a very important mission for you, Chloe.

Chloe: (Jumps up and hugs Altena) No! Please! I don't want to leave you! Please don't make me go!

Altena: You'll get to play with your little knives.

Chloe: (Lets go of Altena) Okay! When do I go?

{Scene: Back at Mireille's place. She's sitting at her laptop again, looking rather disheveled. Kirika stands behind her looking mighty pleased with herself.}

Mireille: Stop implying things.

(Sorry)

Mireille: It's just subtext.

Kirika: "Mireille, who I cherish..."

Mireille: Shut up!

(Plot?)

Mireille: (Clears her throat) We have a new assignment, Kirika. Our client wants us to assassinate...(She squints and looks at the screen) Greg.

Kirika: (As if the name was very important) Greg.

Mireille: He's a...er...bagger at a grocery store in America. Our client wants him dead.

Kirika: Why?

Mireille: (Shrugs) Maybe he used paper instead of plastic.

(That wasn't funny)

Mireille: You wrote it.

Kirika: (Gets an awe-inspired look on her face) Greg.

Mireille: Huh?

Kirika: We have to kill...Greg.

Mireille: (Gives Kirika a weird look)

{Scene: Some generic grocery store in America. A young man is busy bagging groceries. We only see his back as cool Noir music plays. Then, he turns around and we can see his nametag as the music climaxes: Greg}

Greg: (Smiles) Paper or plastic?

{Scene: The same grocery store at night. We see the parking lot, and there's 2 cars left in it. The store is closed. Suddenly, Greg runs out of his car.}

Generic Guy: (From other car) Whatcha doin', Greg?

Greg: I left my slinky in there!

Generic Guy: Slinky?

Greg: I need that slinky for tonight.

Generic Guy: Whatever.

(Greg leaves and Generic Guy waits in his car, just to make sure Greg's okay. Suddenly, a figure jumps onto the hood of his car and shoots him through the front windshield. Cool Noir music plays.)

Generic Guy: Awwrruuugghhh!!!!!!!!!! Ugh! (He falls over the steering wheel, leaving surprisingly little blood)

Mireille: (From hood of car) I wonder why they never bleed.

Kirika: (Getting out from where she was hiding under the car) They're just generic guys. They don't matter.

Mireille: Now, let's get Greg!

Kirika: (Awe-inspired voice) Greg.

(Mireille and Kirika leave to go into the empty grocery store. The scene is empty for a few seconds, then we see the cloaked Chloe appear. She looks at the store.)

Chloe: I wonder if they sell forks in there...

{Scene: An awesome action sequence with Mireille dodging between aisles and Kirika doing various flips and poses over things. They shoot all sorts of items, then meet up at the checkout.}

Mireille: Did you get him?

Kirika: (Shakes her head)

Mireille: Me neither. 

Kirika: Why'd we do all those stunts, then?

Mireille: It looked cool.

(Suddenly, Greg appears from the Employees-Only area. He looks surprised to see 2 incredibly sexy women pointing guns at him)

Greg: Wow. 2 incredibly sexy women are pointing guns at me.

Mireille: He talks!

Kirika: (Narrows her eyes) That's his death sentence, isn't it?

Mireille: We are Noir! We've been sent to assassinate you!

Greg: Who wants to kill me?

Mireille: (Shrugs) Dunno. Are you Soldats?

Greg: (Shakes his head)

Mireille: Mafia?

Greg: (Shakes his head)

Mireille: Belonging to ANY part of the criminal underworld?

Greg: (Shakes his head)

Mireille: (Lowers her gun) Then what DO you do?

Greg: I have a slinky! (He holds up his slinky)

Mireille: Is it possible? I thought EVERYBODY had some connection to the criminal underworld. How can this be? (She looks away, considering. Then she looks up and raises her gun) Oh well. I'm still going to kill you.

Kirika: (Jumps in front of him) Mireille! No!

Mireille: What?

Kirika: (Gives her the puppy dog eyes) He has a slinky!

Mireille: WHAT??

Kirika: (Starts to tear up) I really like slinkies.

{Scene: Chloe entering the store. She witnesses the encounter with Greg. Begin Chloe's flashback}

{Chloe's flashback: Altena stands in front of her at The Manor, reading from a book.}

Altena: "And any male having either A Name or A Slinky is an anomaly and must be dead by the end of the episode." (She closes the book.) Do you understand, Chloe?

Chloe: (Nods) Yes.

{Scene: Back to the present time. Chloe gets one of her little knives out.}

Chloe: Any male...

(We see a shot of Mireille and Kirika arguing. Greg's back is to us.)

Chloe: With a name...

(Chloe readies her knife)

Chloe: Or a slinky...

(We see a closeup of the slinky Greg holds in his hand)

Chloe: Must...(She throws the knife at Greg's back) DIE!!!!!

(Cool Noir music plays as the knife stabs Greg in the back. Kirika turns around quickly as Greg falls in slow-motion to the floor, the slinky dropping out of his hand)

Kirika: GREG!!!!!!!!!!!

Mireille: (Points her gun at Chloe) You!

(Kirika kneels down to look at Greg's dead, bloodless, body. She grabs the slinky)

Kirika: (Holding the slinky to her chest, crying) He had a slinky. He had a slinky.

Chloe: (Approaches Mireille and Kirika) Kirika, you must come with me to The Manor. There, we will become the True Noir.

Mireille: What are you after?

Chloe: You can come, too, after Kirika and I become Noir. We can have a thr - er - pillow fight!

Kirika: (Still holding the slinky) Why...why...?

Chloe: (Holds out the fork) I have your fork.

Kirika: (Looks up) Fork!

Mireille: (Puts her gun down) Uh...

Chloe: If you want it, come to The Manor. There, you will meet your destiny.

(Chloe leaves, mysteriously and, if I must say, in a very cool way)

Mireille: (Looks up) You favor Chloe, don't you?

(Of course not! You're always foremost in my thoughts, Mireille. You're sexy and awesome.)

Mireille: Humph.

(Though Chloe kicks ass...)

Mireille: Quiet!

Kirika: (Standing up) My fork...

Mireille: Actually, that's MY fork that YOU took from MY kitchen that SHE stole. It's MINE.

Kirika: I'm sorry, Mireille. I must get my fork.

Mireille: Kirika, are you listening to me?

Kirika: (Turns to face her) Good-bye, Mireille. I will always lo - er - think of you fondly.

(Kirika disappears in a manner not quite as cool as Chloe's, but still pretty awesome)

Mireille: Ahem.

(The ultra-sexy and cool Mireille stands alone in the empty grocery store)

Mireille: Isn't Chloe supposed to give Kirika her memories back in this scene or something?

(It's a parody. Everything's screwed up.)

Mireille: (Sighs) Okay.

(Mireille leaves the store in an even cooler way than Chloe)

Mireille: (Offscreen) Stop sucking up!

{Scene: The Manor. Chloe is reporting to Altena.}

Altena: So you told her you have the fork, and she decided to follow you.

Chloe: (Nods)

Altena: You were supposed to shoot at her and give her her memories back.

Chloe: (Stays silent for a few seconds) Oh.

Altena: Oh well. I guess we just won't have all the Kirika angst.

Chloe: Are you mad at me?

Altena: No. Now go dust the stone pillars.

Chloe: (Runs out) Yah!!

{Scene: Kirika approaching The Manor. She walks toward the main ruin, passing by Chloe, who's dusting the pillars with a feather duster. Chloe notices Kirika walking by and drops the duster.}

Chloe: Kirika!! 

Kirika: (Turning to meet Chloe) Fork!

Chloe: (Stops) Hi. How are you? Good to see you. I'm fine. Geez! Let's have some manners, here!

Kirika: (Holds her hand out)

Chloe: (Sighs and hands her the fork)

(Altena approaches)

Altena: Kirika, it's been a long time.

Kirika: (Holds up the fork) I have the fork. I'm leaving now.

(Kirika turns to leave, but Altena reaches out and grabs the back of her shirt)

Altena: Sorry, you have to stay here.

Kirika: Why?

Altena: Because the big climax is set at The Manor.

Chloe: (Snickers)

Altena: (Lets go of Kirika and looks puzzled) What?

Chloe: Nothing.

Altena: Anyway, the big climax – 

Chloe: (Snickers)

Kirika: (Looks with wide-eyed innocence at Chloe)

Altena: Is there a problem, Chloe?

Chloe: (Shakes her head) Uh-uh.

Altena: (Sighs) The big CONCLUSION is set here.

Kirika: Oh. Okay.

{Scene: Mireille sitting in her apartment, which is not trashed}

Mireille: I guess this fic isn't concerned at all with canon.v (Not really)

Mireille: (Sighs) Go ahead.

(Anyway, she's sitting in her apartment, staring out into space)

Mireille: You know, I kinda miss Kirika.

(Sad music plays)

Mireille: She's so foolish, but I think I still miss her.

(Music plays for several minutes. Mireille stands up)

Mireille: I'm going to The Manor, too! Not for Kirika, mind you. I just want my fork back.

{Scene: The Manor. Chloe and Kirika and standing before Altena.}

Altena: Now, before you two become the True Noir, you must complete your bond by ablution.

Chloe: Ablu-what?

Kirika: (Slowly pronouncing each syllable) A-blu-ti-on.

Altena: Ablution. To complete your bond.

Chloe: Something about shins?

Kirika: (Slowly pronouncing each syllable) A-blu-ti-on!

Chloe: What's with her?

Altena: Do you understand?

Chloe: I don't even know what it means.

Kirika: (Smiling, slowly pronouncing each syllable) A-blu-ti-on!!

Altena: (Hangs her head) Get naked and bath together!

Chloe: Really? (Jumps up and down) I get to see Kirika naked?? (Starts dancing around the room) Yaaahhh!!!

Kirika: (Frowns) Naked?

Altena: Just go. I have conspiracies to oversee.

{Scene: That lake thing. Chloe and Kirika calmly and maturely strip off their clothes, then walk into the water, facing away from each other.}

Kirika: (Hunches over) Water...cold...

Chloe: (Peeks over her shoulder at Kirika)

Kirika: (Shivering) Water...very...cold...

(Chloe, bravely, turns around and walks toward Kirika)

Chloe: Kirika, can I kiss you?

Kirika: (Turns around in surprise) Eh?

Chloe: Kiss?

Kirika: (Shakes her head)

Chloe: Why not?

Kirika: My heart belongs somewhere – er – I don't swing that way.

Chloe: Please? Just one? It's part of the Shin Ceremony to become Noir!

Kirika: Really?

(Chloe nods)

Kirika: Okay.

(Chloe steps closer to her)

Chloe: Are you cold?

Kirika: (Shivering) Freezing.

Chloe: I see.

(Chloe hugs Kirika and gives her a mighty long, passionate kiss. She releases her)

Chloe: Still cold?

Kirika: (Panting) Really, really hot! Er...I mean...a little.

{Scene: A cliff. Mireille gets out of her car and goes to stand on the edge. Dramatic music plays}

Mireille: Why did I get out of the car again?

(Look serious!)

Mireille: (Sighs)

(She stares out at The Manor for several minutes, the music still playing)

Mireille: (Wincing) Owwie! I got a cramp in my leg!

(She limps back to her car and gets in)

{Scene: The lake thingie again. Kirika and Chloe are just getting out}

Chloe: (Looking around) Er...we don't have towels.

Kirika: (Looks around) No, we don't.

Chloe: (Looks down at her little gladiator outfit) I can't wear this while I'm still wet. (Pause) Gimme yours.

Kirika: (Grabs hers) Why?

Chloe: So I can dry off with it!

Kirika: (Shakes her head) No!

Chloe: Come on!

Kirika: Mine!

Chloe: How am I gonna dry off?

Kirika: (Looks around and notices something off to the side. She runs and grabs it)

Chloe: Wait a minute!

Kirika: (Starts drying herself with what she found)

Chloe: No! That's my cloak!

Kirika: (Finishes drying herself off and tosses it to Chloe)

Chloe: (Stares at the now wet cloak in horror)

Kirika: Thank you.

Chloe: (Looks really pissed. She grabs some of Kirika's old clothes and uses them to dry off)

Kirika: (Shrugs)

Chloe: (Throws Kirika's clothes on the ground and starts to dress in her gladiator outfit)

Kirika: (Waits a few seconds before also getting dressed in her little gladiator costume)

(Suddenly, when they're done dressing, Mireille approaches.)

Mireille: Kirika!

(Kirika turns, wide-eyed, to Mireille. She smiles)

Kirika: (Happy) Mireille!

Mireille: (Holds her gun up and points it at Kirika) I want my fork.

Kirika: (Frowns) My fork.

Mireille: It's mine. Give it back!

Kirika: (Gets her own gun out and shakes her head)

Mireille: If that's the way you want it.

(Mireille and Kirika do an awesome action sequence chasing each other around the ruins, shooting at each other and jumping off things and doing flips and just looking really cool, all while kick-ass music plays)

Chloe: Do they always do this to settle disagreements? (Sighing she walks forward to where the two are shooting at each other) Guys? Uh...guys? Girls? People?

(Mireille and Kirika pause and turn to look at her)

Chloe: (Holds up the fork) I actually have the fork.

Kirika: How?

Chloe: I stole it from you while you were asleep.

Kirika: Why do you want it?

Chloe: (Shrugs) It reminds me of you.

Kirika: (Looks puzzled)

Mireille: Well, you can have the fork. I'll take Kirika.

(Chloe and Kirika turn to look at her, wide-eyed.)

Mireille: (Slaps her forehead) I didn't mean it like that!

Kirika: (Smiling) Mireille!

Chloe: (Frowns) No. She's gonna become Noir with me. Go away.

Mireille: I can't do that.

Chloe: (Pulls out her little knives) Then you're going to have to die!

(Chloe throws several of the knives at Mireille, who manages to dodge most of them. One hits her in the thigh and she's down.)

Kirika: (Doesn't know what to do) No, stop!

(Chloe approaches Mireille, knife out. She smiles. As she raises the knife, Kirika grabs her shoulder to get her attention. Chloe whirls around, but accidently stabs Kirika.)

Mireille: Wait!

(Kirika looks very surprised, then she falls to the ground)

Chloe: (Looks down at her) Uh...

Mireille: (Blinks a couple times) Is she...?

Chloe: (Kicks Kirika) I think.

Mireille: That wasn't supposed to happen.

Chloe: (Looks around sheepishly) Oops?

Mireille: (Angry) Whaddya mean "Oops"? Kirika's dead! That means WE have to become Noir!

Chloe: I guess...but I don't wanna be Noir with YOU.

Mireille: Well, you can't be Noir by yourself.

(Chloe sits down and stares intently at Kirika's body)

Chloe: Let's wait.

Mireille: Wait? For what?? Her to come back to life?

Chloe: (Shrugs) You never know.

(Mireille stands up, struggling a bit with her hurt leg)

Mireille: I'm leaving!

Chloe: Wait! You have to become Noir!

Mireille: Like hell!

Chloe: For Kirika?

(Mireille stops and looks real sad. She looks at Kirika's body. Then she sits back down)

Mireille: You suck.

{Scene: Inside The Manor. Altena is walking down a hallway, holding a candle. She stops and looks at the candle expectantly. Nothing happens. She shakes it a bit and looks annoyed. It doesn't go out. Fed up, she blows out the candle, herself.}

{Scene: Mireille and Chloe walking to The Manor. Mireille's leg is bandaged.}

Mireille: I'm only doing this for Kirika.

Chloe: (Bored teenager) Yeah, whatever.

Mireille: Really. (She stops and looks off, sadly) Because I lov – er – always thought of her fondly.

Chloe: (Throws a rock) Uh-huh.

Mireille: (Starts walking again and looks at Chloe, annoyed) I hope you die!

Chloe: But Kirika liked me. She wouldn't want me to die.

Mireille: (Angry) How dare you! You're the one that killed her!

Chloe: Well, that's life.

Mireille: Once we become Noir, I'm going to kill you.

Chloe: (Not paying attention) Shouldn't there be a bunch of nuns for us to kill?

{Scene: Inside The Manor. Chloe and Mireille look ready for an attack, but none comes. They look at each other and shrug}

Altena: (From behind them) Wait!!

(Chloe and Mireille turn around to see Altena running toward them)

Chloe: Altena?

Altena: I'm running late. Geez. The Rent-a-Nun company refused to send the shipment of nuns I ordered. Something about wanting them back alive or something. (She breathes heavily) And it's hell running in these skirts!

Mireille: How do we become Noir?

Altena: Final...trial!

(Altena runs ahead of them)

Altena: Your final trial is to... (She steps aside to reveal a little cat behind her) kick this cat!!

Cat: Meow.

Chloe: What? I don't want to kick a cat!

Altena: Only the true Noir would be able to kick a cat without hesitation.

Mireille: (Starts tearing up) Cat...

Altena: Do it! And become Noir together!

Chloe: I'm not going to kick a cat.

Mireille: (Walks past Altena and picks up the cat) Cat...

Altena: No, no. You kick it. You don't hold it.

Mireille: (Nuzzles it to her face) It reminds me of Kirika.

Chloe: So a pussy reminds you of Kirika?

Altena: (Grimaces) Chloe...

Mireille: I'm not killing the cat.

Altena: You two are wusses! You can't be Noir!

Mireille: Okay, then. (She takes out her gun and shoots Altena.)

(Altena falls to the ground)

Chloe: You killed her!

Mireille: Yeah, so what? (She points the gun at Chloe)

Chloe: (Nervous) Hey...let's talk about this...

Mireille: You...you were helping her. Sending us on all those pointless missions. You killed Kirika. For what? To fulfill some stupid ancient mumbo-jumbo?

Chloe: (Backing away) Well, you know, I've been influenced from birth. I have relatively little control over my own actions here...

Mireille: I'm going to drop this cat onto the floor. By the time she hits the ground, I will shoot. You better be gone by then.

Chloe: Uh...I think that's a guy cat.

Mireille: What?

Chloe: I don't think the cat's a "she".

Mireille: Impossible! We don't have guys in Noir. (She puts down the gun and holds the cat out in front of her to...ahem...inspect it) You're right! It's a guy! (She puts the cat down) How'd you know – 

(She looks around, but Chloe's disappeared.)

Mireille: NOOO!!!!!!!!!! I swear to you, I shall avenge Kirika's death! Watch your back, Chloe!

{Scene: Outside The Manor. Chloe's high-tailing it out of there}

Chloe: (On a whim, she turns and flips the finger in Mireille's general direction)

{Update on Mireille: Mireille decided to give up her life as an assassin and she became a hairdresser. She kept the cat and named it "Pat", getting it neutered as soon as possible. She now lives in a modest city home with Pat and occassionally gets visits from various criminal leaders...just to have tea.}

{Update on Chloe: With no hope of become Noir, Chloe moved to the U.S. and became a florist. In her spare time, she roams the streets of the city and kills evildoers. The police dubbed her "The Knife" and nobody knows her true indentity. She started a fork collection, and currently has 1026 forks in it. She has two apartments: One for herself and one for the forks.}


End file.
